It’s been difficult

It just hits us that Ashley is gone. She was really supportive from the first blog post of ours that she read. Don’t remember which on the old blog. When we fled our abusive family (in a nation that doesn’t help single adults even when they face repeated life threatening abuse), she supported us. When we got diagnosed with C-PTSD and then DID, and fled even more abuse and faced brief houselessness (long wait lists for shelter beds), I could always count on a supportive comment however brief. She was just 100% sincere in her caring, and plain consistent in it.

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It’s a struggle to put words together

I haven’t been able to finish up any posts, because I’ve gotten fixated on putting together a post that somehow would be “good enough” to capture what Ashley meant to me and my DID system.

Life has been really hard long before we started the blog… Ashley started walking with us in this internet space in 2019… she witnessed a lot of our struggles. Widespread cultural and systemic endorsement of child abuse into adulthood, us fleeing abuse during the pandemic to a friend, fleeing more abuse, houselessness, being taken advantage of due being a vulnerable person with little legal protection, falling through chasms in social safety nets in a society that callously closes their eyes against life threatening abuse by family, and so on.

Ashley was there when I, the one who writes, had “alters” come forward.

There’s a struggle where I’m feeling I have to explain so much, including who we are, why we use plural community terms VS pathologising medical terms, just to feel I can write a post that does justice to what Ashley’s support to us as a system meant. Because surely switching between I, we, and I/we is confusing to readers.

Then the question of should I write an “About” page about how I’m part of a DID system? Do I state I don’t identify as “an individual with DID”, and why? Do I write about our boundaries, our pronouns, how to address us? When those inevitably get disregarded?

I’ve also been struggling to decide if I even want to fully return to the WordPress community, when a lot of the bloggers I’ve blog relationships with, have gone quiet. I miss them very much, and I know I’m not alone in feeling the quiet.

Do we want to open up ourselves again to spammers, bots, judgmental people? Is all that worth it when we turned our old blog private for majorly good offline safety reasons?

See the chain of thought there? Whenever I start trying to attune to what I want in this space. It’s overwhelming.

It feels easier to just lurk and comment on blogging friends’ posts, like we did for more than 5 years before writing a blog, but I know several would want to know how I/we are doing.

Plus, I’ve writing to Ashley in private as therapy homework, and a key instruction from our therapist is to not fixate about perfect words, sigh.

But I’m here on WordPress, struggling for words, because many people here knew Ashley… and I want to mourn among people who knew her.

We have no coherent words at this point, and just tears

Ashley’s family sadly wishes to inform her readers that she passed away on October 9th. She could no longer bear the suffering she was experiencing and finally succumbed to her severe depression. Her obituary can be found at: Thank you for supporting her blog as we know it was very important to her and […]

A message from Ashley’s family

Knew something was wrong when we got a panicked email from a mutual WordPress friend. True enough, Ashley hadn’t posted, she had such a regular schedule, no matter what. She would write posts in advance and schedule them. Like clockwork was her posts on a variety of topics, including a summary of her week.

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